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Sunday, April 11, 2010

Beneath My Armor

Dear God, beneath my armor is a heart more fragile than a new born baby. Here I stand at your throne, my armor is damaged and needs great repair, but more importantly my heart needs a resurrection. The battles of life have torn my armor, I have survived the brutally cold winters, and the scorching hot summers, but I have never gotten a chance to take my armor off, consequently, I have grown weary and tired. I have been a refugee, my heart needs to find a place call to home. A place to eat a dinner in peace and remove this heavy body armor. I cant even feel anymore because the tremendous weight of this armor has numbed my body. This armor is my protection, my security, my confidence, my way of life. Here I stand at your throne broken and shattered mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. My armor could never rust because I have never taken it off. I can’t take this armor off because it would peel my skin, this armor that I wear has became apart of who I am. Lord here I stand in search of some answers, do you hear my cry? I need some clarification about some of the battle that I have faced, I assumed my armor protected me from the shots fired at me by life, but something much more was happening beneath my protection, my heart was dying slowly after every battle and disappointment. I have been at war so long, I have post traumatic stress. I am a prisoner of war in my own mind. Even when something is right in my life, I expect the worse to still happen. Here I stand at your throne asking for a resolution, my emotions have played possum, I thought I had escaped from my past, but my mind never left scene of the crimes. Crimes against my soul that I have committed, I no longer recognize myself in the mirror, the years of war have disfigured my face. The closer I get to your throne the more I get afraid to remove my armor. It’s hurts too bad to see the person that I have become. The more your light shines from your glory, the more I realize I am weak and wounded. Lord can you send your angels to remove this armor? This armor represents, my insecurities, my regrets, my bitterness, my depression, my anger, but above all, my fear. Lord can you remove this breast plate? I have tried to protect my heart my whole life and have lost it. It’s hard to receive when your hands are always gripped around a sword; ready to fight at the drop of a dime. There is a time for war, but there is also a time for peace. My soul and my heart need peace that can only be given from a higher power. My heart is disappointed because it really wants to show love, but my mind remembers my past. Life can sometimes have too many questions and not enough answers. Here I stand at your feet God, afraid to even lift my head because of my sin. Cleary my sin has caused me to be ashamed. I’m afraid to walk any further toward your throne because I haven’t fulfilled my destiny. I’ve been fighting the same battles my whole life because I thought my armor could sustain me. Today is the day that I take off my armor, I remove my fears, I remove insecurities, I remove my bitterness. Here I stand at your throne only to realize I’ve been in your outstretched arms the entire time. No person alive can escape a hug from God. I am stripped down of every thing ,but my soul, my sprit and my heart. With no more protection, my soul cries like a new born desiring his or her parent. I have been crying for Jesus for a long time, my tears were permanent like tattoos. I am shaking like a leaf on a tree on a cool spring day, I am finally in my fathers hand. God has a hold of me now, and he knows what’s beneath my armor. Never judge me by my armor, it’s only my protection, more importantly, it is my heart beneath the armor that needs unbiased love and hope.
By: Deaushay Watts